


This World Of Mine

by I_B_I_S



Category: Original Work
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-09
Updated: 2018-11-22
Packaged: 2019-01-15 08:15:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 11
Words: 14,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12317217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_B_I_S/pseuds/I_B_I_S
Summary: Ok so when I started this I was rlly depressed, but now I am not so depressed and more of a memeSo OK yes there is NSFW here >:OI suppose just avoid chapters 3 and 4!!Other stuff here is poems and...uhh...songs and writing therapy™





	1. I'm Here Today

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wake up from being. I'm not born. I'm awakened. There are others. I need a redo, to fix it all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SKIP TO CHAPTER 5 OR AFTER   
> FIRST 4 ARE SO BORING :D

"Hello? Is someone there?" Darkness engulfed me and my hazy surroundings. I couldn't see, nor did I want to. Pure nothing swirled around my eyes. Was I in my head? No, I don't think so. I'm here, now. Where, exactly, I have no clue, but I am here. Suddenly, a wave of dark liquid -water, I guess- rippled through the nothingness, waking me from my sleep. Oh. I am shimmering with a dim light, transparent, yet...alive. A flat surface beneath me glows faintly, but the darkness still lingers at every corner of my vision. This..this is mine. This is my world.

*Time Skip*

I perch on my rooftop, staring out at my world. No one ever tells me that it's mine. They keep saying that some "God" made it. That "He" made me. Pfft. Idiotic ideas. I made this life. I am the beginning. That doesn't matter now, though. I can't breathe. Why? This is an odd sensation. Something's trying to hurt me. Maybe I'll let myself go. Nope. Not yet. I don't see my attacker, but I know that someone is choking me. Logic leaves my mind automatically. Rational thought is a faraway wish. I cry out, saddened by the fact that no noise escapes. My throat caves to the feeling, my lungs bursting inside of me. The lack of breath creates a gasping attempt at trying to breathe. A soft 'pop' goes off in my head, and it's all gone. Now I feel nothing.


	2. Recreation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More information on the plot. Another short chapter. This is just a necessary bridge chapter. Not really a vent, more like a second introduction. It'll get to the vent part soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, here's where the story actually takes off. Warning, there are probably sensitive topics in some of the next few chapters.

A simple task. Wake up. It seems simple enough, doesn't it? Augh. "Promise me, that you will never hurt another. Please." Her words ring through my ears. The echo of a past experience is fuzzy in my head. It didn't happen, did it? I don't know. All I know is now. I've...died. It's cold, here.

A harsh light passes over my eyes, and I wake up in a hospital bed. My mom is standing over me, looking worried. When she notices that my eyes are open, hers widen and she gasps. "You-you're alive?!" Her disbelief confuses me. A faint memory of the nothingness I was in lingers in my mind. I push it away, and decide to smile and greet my mom. She starts to cry, says something about nearly losing me. I say that I'm happy to see her, and tears stream down her face, hardening my heart slightly. It's an inexplicable disease that I have. My smile falters, and a faker one quickly takes its place. Looking down, I realize I'm in the ER, and I'm connected to a bunch of wires and tubes. Just great. What even happened to me? Oh. I feel the wounds, now. Clearly, I was hit by a car, that seems common enough. What was I doing, though? The pieces just don't seem to fit right. Well. If I died once, clearly I have control over myself. This means that, whatever I do, won't have repercussions. Also, I don't believe in that "God" bullshit either. I could care less about any supernatural beings. I'm going to live, and this is going to be my world.


	3. Stop this madness! (TW- torture)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lmao I hate myself  
> This is fucking graphic  
> :P

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well shit I'm a horrible fucking person yay  
> :')

"Oh no..." I mutter, staring down. How did I get myself into this situation? On the floor, in front of me, lies a little boy. His head is cracked open, and bleeding, bleeding, bleeding. I smile, then quickly admonish myself. 'What's wrong with me?' Looking at the boy, I notice something odd. There's a black patch on his skin.  
It's spreading very slowly...consuming him.  
I blink rapidly and look again.  
The patch is gone. The boy is lying there, still writhing in pain from his wounds.  
In that moment, something happens to me.  
Reaching for a small needle, I know what I'm going to do next. A crooked smile spreads across my face. She is quiet, so he takes control. I swear, I'm him.  
Standing over the child, he takes the needle- I take the needle, and start to play.  
One little poke.  
Two little pokes.  
But, I'd like to see him in pain. So I grab a rather sharp knife I had laid out earlier, and run it down his legs.  
The tiny dribble of blood that follows is enough to spark the hunger in me.  
I lick it off of him, and then jab the knife into his leg.  
I don't want him dying, though.  
His head wound is pretty bad. Can't let him bleed out that fast- what fun is that?  
Rushing to my bathroom, I grab a towel, and some gauze, and do whatever the hell people do to stop the bleeding.  
Good.  
Back to my fun.  
The knife, that I hadn't removed from his leg yet, is quickly jerked out. The boy- what's his name- does it matter? hisses in pain as the thick red substance oozes out of the wound.  
I scratch his face with my nails to shut him up.  
And because it's entertaining to watch the scratches turn white, then pink.  
By now, his face is streaked with tears and blood.  
Hm...what else should I do..  
I lean over his bloody face, and poke at his bruised eyes. That's what I'll do.  
Using my right-hand nails to pry it out, and my left hand to hold his face down, I scrape out his eye. I shudder a bit as the stringy stuff that holds his eye in place- what the fuck is it called- snaps off in my fingers.  
He screams in agony as I tear it out, painfully slowly.  
Grinning, I scratch him again.  
"No making noise, sweetie, or the neighbors will hear us~"  
This only seems to make him want to scream louder, obviously.  
So I grab a washcloth and stuff it in his mouth to shut him up.  
His legs and arms are kicking at me, self-defense, I suppose. Its not like a seven-year old like him stands a chance against a thirteen-year old like me, anyway.  
He's pretty weak.  
What a loser.  
Too bad, he would've made a nice toy if he hadn't been so violent in his methods of defense.  
I pat my bruised cheek and arms happily.

'This kid needs to learn to respect those older than him~  
I should teach him.'

I pick my knife back up. Time to put this thing to good use.  
I run it up and down his face, and his neck.  
His eye is bleeding profusely by now.  
I lick his face clean.  
Staring at me, his eye wide, full of tears, and scared, he whimpers when I slit into his neck.  
A steady flow of blood drips out.  
"Mmm..."  
I decide that's enough playing, and cut off his shirt for dramatic effect.  
I slit up his chest and stomach, watching him tremble in fear as I do.  
Then I lick the knife clean, drooling as I slit my tongue.  
I let the blood and saliva drip onto his face.  
In too much pain to be disgusted, he simply cries his muffled tears.  
I tear his shorts off with my knife.  
I stare at his thigh, wondering where the best place to start cutting him up would be.  
I decide it doesn't matter, and start from his hip.  
Slit after slit, he screeches into the washcloth.  
One, two three, ten.  
All over and down his leg.  
Then the other leg.  
Then I turn to his arms.  
I grab the knife firmly, and position it above his wrist.  
And with one smooth motion, I bring it down and his hand detaches.  
His screams and trembling sobs are pathetic.  
I cringe at the feel of the bone being cut through, then shake off the squeamish feeling and pick up the hand squirting out blood.  
I lay it on top of his face, and he stares at it, eye wide and teary. His stomach heaves, and he vomits into his own mouth.  
I clamp my hand over the stained washcloth before he can spit it out of his mouth. Now he has no choice but to eat it.  
He cringes and shakes, but swallows fearfully.  
His whole body shudders in agony.  
Then, I remove the head bandage, and washcloth.  
I'm going to kill him now.  
I grab something to keep him in place, the sheets off of my bed, and tie him to the bedposts.  
He squirms, in a futile attempt to escape.  
He's lost a lot of blood, he's weak, and there's no way he's leaving now.  
I grab a new, sharper, knife, and slit his gut.  
His intestines lay cradled inside.  
I pull them out slowly, and take a good look at them.  
Then I shove them in his mouth.  
"Eat them."  
He shakes his head, trembling from the cuts.  
"I said eat them!" I say and stuff them in his mouth. He tries to close it, but I pry it open and shove them down his throat. He gags and I close his teeth over them.  
Crying, he chews them.  
And I laugh at his pathetic state.  
I stand up and repeatedly smash his face in with my foot.  
His nose makes a sickening sound, then snaps sideways.  
His other eye pops and squints down the side of his face.  
I stab him through the heart, again and again.  
Now I'm sure he's dead.  
And I lay down the knife and laugh.


	4. TW- abuse lmao

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is fucking crazy but   
> It's what I would do if someone wanted to murder me and rape me n shit  
> I'm 13 h a h  
> The guy is like 29 or something  
> I like rape and murder and shit :')

I sat in my room, at home alone. Bored nearly to death.  
No new messages, nothing.  
Suddenly, I hear the floor creak. Someone's in the house.  
I decide to sit there and wait.  
A man opens my door, holding a gun. He says nothing, instead smiles at me creepily. I smile back.  
"Hello there." I say. He stares at me and then points the gun at my forehead.  
I'm perfectly okay with dying, just not by a gunshot, thank you very much.  
So I tell him, "Are you sure you wanna kill me with that?" He seems sure enough. I then suggest that he use something else. "And why should I listen to you, kid?" He asks. I reply that if he is going to kill me, and get caught, he might as well have fun doing it. He looks genuinely surprised, and somewhat offended.   
I gently move the gun away from my forehead, and lead him down to my dad's room, where there's a coil of heavy-duty rope. I point to it, and he looks skeptical. Then he remembers that he has a gun, and he tells me I had better not try anything, or he'd shoot me instantly.

Once he has the rope and realizes I'm serious, he grabs me forcefully by my short, brown hair and drags me back up the steps. Once we are back in my room, he shoves me onto the floor and kicks me in the face. I grin, showing him my orange-bracketed braces. That earns me another violent kick from him.   
I stay as still as I can while he ties my arms and legs behind my back. The rope's slick plastic coating slides over my legs, making me shiver.   
I notice that he's keeping his gun close. Must still think this is a setup. Oh well, his loss.   
Once I'm tied up uncomfortably tight, so that I can barely breathe, I smile at him and ask what he's going to do next. Staring at me, he grabs my bound arms and drags me down the stairs to the kitchen. I think I know what he's going to do now.  
Kicking me down onto the cold tiled floor, he grabs a knife from the utensils drawer.  
He stands over me, sharp blade in hand. He chose a good one. Crouching down so that the knife is just above my stomach, he makes a tiny slice. The burning sting keeps me alert. He proceeds to jab at my shoulders. I shudder as the slits get closer and closer, almost overlapping.   
He cuts through my shirt and shorts, tearing them off with his knife. I grin in anticipation. He slashes the knife into my side, and I hiss in pain as he takes it out harshly. The shudders turn to heavy breathing and gasping as he slides the knife back and forth over my skin. It feels so painful, so good...  
Saliva escapes my mouth as I get flipped over onto my stomach. He takes the knife and carves into my back. I moan in absolute pain as the metal blade gashes my skin into little pale bits. Blood gushes out of the wound, and I'm sad that I can't lick it up. But I'm too busy, in my own world of pain.   
He looks at my mangled back and strokes it roughly, ruining the slowly-closing wounds. Grunting from the burning spreading through me, he cuts the ropes off of me. Kicking me over a bit, he stretches me out and slits off the rest of my clothes and tosses them aside. He grinds his foot into my leg. It hurts, but it's nothing compared to the knife wounds.   
"Can't let you die a virgin." He says, grinning crazily.  
I smile, then wince as he roughly shoves my rather useless body towards himself and lines up.   
Looks like he's gonna fuck me raw.   
His grip on my hips tightens sufficiently as he prepares that first thrust- the one that will break my barrier. I gasp in agony as he thrusts himself deep into me. I breathe hard and bite my hand to muffle any screams.   
I feel him smacking against my hymen, and then forcefully shoving through. It feels like a thousand hot knives are stabbing me all at once.  
All I see is a blinding white-hot pain. There is nothing else but me and the screaming, fiery agony. His fingers are digging into my hip, making it bleed from his sharp nails. He can't seem to stop jabbing into me. He keeps going faster, and it's too much for me to handle. Then suddenly, he comes inside me and I wince as I feel myself filling up with his bitter essence.  
Thankfully I was never aroused in the first place, I was merely used as a now non-virgin deposit for him.   
I feel disgusting, and so I grin shakily as he picks the knife back up. He seems annoyed. "Too dull." He mutters, then wanders downstairs to get another. Meanwhile, I lay there, basking in the unending pain.  
He returns with a larger knife, and proceeds to cut the bottom half of my leg off. I screech and groan as he crunches through the bone with a sickening snap. Writhing in agony, I lay there twitching and moaning. He smiles and cuts off my other leg, this time at the thigh. And he gets the same reaction from me.   
Deciding not to cut any more limbs off, and instead move to my face, he grabs my head in his hands and opens my mouth harshly. Using one hand to hold my head and the other to grab my tongue, he cuts of the fleshy organ in my mouth. I scream mutely, and tears flood out of my eyes. The disgusting squelch of the dismembered tongue sickens me.   
I lay there, squirming and gasping from all the overwhelming pains I feel.  
Deciding to finally end me, he presses his thumb into my eye socket. The loud, wet, pop that follows sends me into tears again. I shiver and cry, my eyesocket pulsing from where the nerves connecting my eye used to be. Dark red blood oozes out of the gaping hole in my face. He licks at the wound, finally getting the hang of this whole 'Torture and abuse' thing.   
I start to laugh. I'm trembling with pure pain, but laughing insanely. He joins me in my psychotic laugh as he raises the knife above my heart. He jabs it in, and mid-laugh I die, with a crazy smile on my face.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of vent poems I wrote.

ANXIETY:

Two  
Three  
Four more times  
It happens again  
Trying to find  
The right path to begin  
Walk down the wrong road  
But they are all wrong, right?  
Can't you see  
I can't tell  
The real way  
From the wrong

Tick tock  
Time will say  
Telling me  
I've gone astray  
People decay  
But I still can't decide  
No, I can't deny  
That I'm frozen in thought  
They all seem wrong  
Playing the results over  
Am I right?  
Can you see?  
That truth is now buried

See, see, see-  
How do you breathe  
How do you sleep  
Fully well knowing  
That voice in your ears  
Won't stop saying  
"All you do is false, stop trying"  
On top of this, you're lazy  
And can't seem to think  
Of an alternate thing  
See, see, see.

ANXIETY 2:

I have a secret  
Should I tell?  
There are others  
Who'd like to know as well.  
Many try and guess  
This secret that I keep.  
And all of the rest  
Calmly leave it be.

A childhood memory  
Trauma, perhaps.  
Has caused pain and suffering  
And mental relapse.  
Whenever I speak  
It's like there's a puzzle.  
What to say,  
What not to  
The pieces should fit.  
But in my odd head  
The pieces don't fit.  
And all the problems  
Come flooding back in.

I waver between options  
All choices seem wrong  
Think of consequences  
For waiting too long.  
People I know  
They tell me it's easy  
To think on the spot  
And they don't believe me  
When I say it is hard  
To choose between them  
Because they're all wrong  
And I'm frozen in thought.

SUICIDE:

Sweetheart, sleep tight  
Hope that you'll be alright  
Because words do lie  
And you can't help it  
You want to be more  
You want to be known  
You want to be seen  
You want to impress them  
With how sickening you are  
You want them to look at you in awe  
Or disgust  
And you'll feel pride  
But you'll never feel satisfied with yourself  
Only disappointment  
And you'll fall again into the dark  
Despair, tiredness  
Once you think you are normal  
You'll start planning again  
The thoughts will return  
And you won't tell anyone this time  
Because of the previous failed attempt  
And you will be mute and fake  
But make it silent  
So silent  
The cuts will collect one last time  
And you won't miss any  
But the one you loved  
A goodbye that approaches  
Creeps like a monster  
No one like you  
No one like this  
No one messed up  
No one broken on purpose  
Bad intentions are inhumane  
And sadness kills.

PANIC ATTACK:

augh  
im making people  
uncomfortable 

no  
thats bad

i need to control  
Marco.  
marco, shut up.

i need to get him  
to be quiet  
marco.  
marco shut  
up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

marco  
shut up.

THERAPY:

Hello  
I'm positive  
I'm positive  
I love this  
Life is very good

I'm such a good person  
I'm so nice  
I love people  
I care about them

 

Hello.  
I'm negative  
I'm negative  
I hate this  
Live is the worst

I'm such a messed up person  
I'm so mean  
I hate people  
I wanna  
Kill  
Them

 

 

 

 

I'm sick of seeing people  
Compliment June  
I'm not june.  
She isn't real.  
She's funny  
Nice, and cool

I'm Marco  
I'm sick  
Sick  
Sick  
And they don't really  
Know

 

 

Why I'm like this

And nor do i

THE REALITY:

Soft love is crisp and clean  
If only we all said what we mean  
Sharper than knives,  
The reality.  
Of realizing that I am alone.  
And there is no one here for me.

I wondered what would happen  
If I go.  
I know, I know.  
Send me a letter, stay positive.  
That's what you say, not what  
You live.

Liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar.

Go to hell.

INNOCENT:

It follows me like a little puppy.  
Eyeing my pockets for a treat.  
Seems so tame, and so gentle.  
But it is nonetheless,  
Unique.

The dog is hungry,  
I know.  
But the food I have is not for him.  
Raindrops pour on city streets.  
This stubborn dog still follows me.  
Is this rain, or just my tears  
That keep my face so  
Cold and clear.

A hungry dog, turned to desperation  
Feeds off me with no hesitation.  
Those sad-puppy eyes, so  
Innocent.  
Keep me reaching in my pockets.  
For the treat, held within.  
Bounding over, happy eyes  
A puppy yaps my silent demise.  
A lick on my face, I gave you  
The treat.  
No harm done, it seems, but  
What did you eat?

My stomach knots, and I feel sick  
The dog matures  
And it gets hungrier.  
I always keep a few treats handy  
So I can feed my growing puppy.  
Silence shivers, I'm so cold.  
We're so young, we feel so old.  
At last I curl up to sleep.

With puppy right beside of me.

UNTITLED:

Lovers are losers  
Beggars can't be choosers  
I only wanted you to stay  
Instead you went farther away

NAÏVETY:

I am me.  
I remember what happened.  
I don't feel it.  
But it's a fact.  
It happened, and I don't remember the resulting emotion.  
Sad? Betrayed?  
I'm not sure.

I can't quite recall it.  
What was the issue again?  
I'm not sure.

Someone hurt me...  
My mom.  
But I'm not mad.  
I don't even remember it all that well.  
I'm sad because...she told me how I should feel about my dad.  
That made me angry  
And I was sad  
And I cried.  
But none of that matters.  
I've got an artificial coating.  
It's not on purpose.  
I'm hurt...  
By someone.

FLAW:

I can swim  
I can eat  
I can draw  
I can write  
I can sing  
I can play piano  
I can animate  
I can play guitar  
I can dance  
I can smile

But I can't do it well.  
I am not perfect.  
And that's my flaw.  
My one flaw.  
It gets to me  
And consumes me.  
Why am I not perfect?  
Animals are good  
At what they do.  
They don't cry over a  
Failure.  
They don't give up  
After an unsuccessful  
Attempt.  
That's my flaw.  
My one flaw.

MADDENING LOSS AND THE RED ATROCITY:

We can handle it.  
We can take it.  
We're strong.  
We can do this.  
You're okay.  
We're okay.  
It's all good.  
That's good.  
Oh no-!

Introducing...  
Maddening loss and the red atrocity!

Eat  
and eat  
and cry  
and bleed  
and date  
and kiss  
and fuck  
and cry  
and sext  
and overeat  
and cry  
and cry  
and sing  
and cut  
and cry 

but that won't make you come back-!

The spiral...  
Leading us down  
A path...  
Of sugary lies  
And many things  
To do  
To take  
You off  
Our mind

Mmm...what have we  
Here?  
A cupcake,  
Laden with white  
Frosting!  
How yummy, savory  
To satisfy the hole  
In us.  
Our stomach growls  
Sensing the treat  
How sweet, how sweet!

"Let me in and  
I'll show you pain."

And we eat you once again.

A kiss  
From a stranger.  
Of age  
Twenty-six  
And we  
Are thirteen.  
A night  
Of sex and fun.  
Kids cry  
Parents yell  
But we,  
We have the red  
Spot-light.  
Lie, and call this  
Love.  
When you're just a  
Filler for us...  
Just a useless  
Person  
"Pants only, don't show us  
Your face.  
We don't need to see you as a  
Person."  
Just a toy,  
Just a toy.  
Now we're done,  
You can go.

Red.  
Red blood.  
Red drips.  
All down  
Our legs.  
Oh,  
What a sight!  
So pretty  
Tonight.  
In the bath.  
In our room.  
Late at night.  
Silent tomb.  
Red.  
We are the red atrocity  
Red, red, red.  
Red lights  
Red pole  
Red knife  
Red kiss  
Red cupcake  
Red  
All red.

Spin, tizzy tizzy  
Spin, getting dizzy  
Dance for us.  
Keep dancing.  
Lay down-  
Like that.  
You've got it.  
Spin, never stop  
Spin, round the clock  
Sing for us.  
Keep singing.  
Stand up-  
Straighter!

Black carolers  
And stark white rays  
Burst into  
Our fabrications  
Of a  
Maddening loss  
That we live  
And die from.

Something doesn't quite line up-

WE COULD NEVER CREATE OURSELF TO BE YOUR PERFECT LOVER:

cough  
and choke  
Out all the  
Misery  
And violent headaches that  
Continue  
On and  
On  
Hurting us  
Hurting us  
We're selfish  
And disillusioned  
We can't  
Stand ourself 

Ew what a  
Sick person  
We say to us  
The people in the  
Mirror  
Say that  
We're bad  
Not good enough  
We're not  
Enough  
For you

We could never  
Create ourself to  
be your  
Perfect lover

We're not enough  
We're not good  
We're not worthy  
We're not nice  
We're not gonna be okay  
We're not  
We are not  
We are  
Worthless  
In your eyes

And we're sadder than ever before

NO MORE:

Stop  
Breathing

No more eating  
No more crying  
No more feeling

No more breathing

EATING DISORDER:

One more bite  
Just one  
Look at our  
Plate  
Full of food  
Must make it  
Empty.

Empty  
Like us.  
We're hungry  
So hungry  
We'll eat it all up  
We'll eat what  
We want  
And get sick  
So sick  
And almost  
Throw up.

The nauseating smell  
Of sugary sweets  
Making us  
Vomit  
Again and again  
Eat till we're full  
But why stop there?  
It tastes so good...  
Eat our despair

Tasting like fever  
Feel it in our  
Throat  
It's trying to get out  
No  
Go back down  
And keep on eating  
More

Overeat  
Until we're crying  
Doubled over in pain  
And indigestion  
As the sickening  
Squelch our stomach makes  
Worsens  
But still...  
Give us more

More of the violent headaches  
And cramps  
From all of our eating  
To compensate our  
Loss  
So much food  
That we're consuming  
We can't help it!  
It's not even good anymore...  
And it's only  
Bad for us  
Too much  
This is getting out  
Of hand

We need to  
Eat  
We want to  
Eat  
We're going to  
Eat  
Overeat  
Like our life depends on it  
We're gaining  
Weight  
We're losing  
Sleep  
But does all that matter  
Anymore?

No.

WE'RE A LITTLE SAD:

Our hope  
But you are gone  
And we're lonely  
Burning in the  
fire, consequence  
To our actions.

We're a little  
Sad.

KIDS:

A girl that I know  
Happy, pretty, shiny gold  
Smiles when she isn't told  
Cries in front of everyone 

A girl that I know  
She is okay with her world  
Everything is fine, okay  
Never better, never worse

A girl that I know  
Split apart and torn  
Tears stain her rounded nose  
She will never really grow

A boy that I know  
He is lying to himself  
Not so mean, or nice at all  
Sitting up there on a shelf

A girl that I know  
Drama queen, class mistake  
She is sad and loud about it  
No one likes her anyway

A girl that I know  
Crying daily now  
She is all messed up  
Confused about herself

A boy that I know  
No one likes him for who he is  
A bit twisted, unlike the rest  
They all thought he was odd

A boy that I know  
Just a kid full of hate  
At the world, himself,  
name it it's there

A girl that I know  
She is miserable and sad  
And they talk to her about it  
Take her to therapy to fix her traumas 

A girl that I know  
She blames herself for everybody's pains  
Tearing up and sensitive  
What a pity that she was so dark

A boy that I know  
His monstrous personality  
Pushes everyone away  
From his selfish truth-telling

These dear, dear kids  
These boys and girls  
Lost their sad lives  
To demons inside

UNTITLED 2:

Calling you makes me cry  
Why do I even try?  
This is just a lie  
You're not really sure why...

STILL:

I love you  
I love you  
shoot me in the heart and kill me  
but I'll still love you  
tear me into sad little pieces  
and kill me  
kill me  
but I'll still love you  
hurt me in every way  
beat me down with silence  
poison my blood and  
mangle my skin  
but I still  
still love you  
I hate myself so much  
Loving you is purely  
masochistic in nature  
all the way painful  
and in no way helpful  
but I'll still love you  
until the day that I take my life  
Until the day it's taken from me  
the day that you might  
finally love me  
the day that happens in books  
the funeral  
perhaps  
the day you might actually regret  
that's what happens in movies,  
anyway  
I suppose that my pitiful existence  
wouldn't even get a funeral  
I hope i lose everything  
i want to lose you  
i want to lose weight  
i want to lose money  
i want to lose me  
lose me in the burns and the hurt  
do you care?  
only you know  
i really want to die  
what an idiot I am  
but even when I'm dead  
guess what  
I'll still love you

UNTITLED 3:

The guy that you're disgusted by  
Is the guy I'm disgusted by too  
But that guy is gone  
All because of you :)

LATE NIGHT POEM:

Little petty problems  
Slowly drift away  
In the depths of evil  
Leading me astray.  
They say it's a trauma  
And that those aren't good  
What a sad dilemma  
A kid misunderstood.

Making me excuses  
Giving me pure sugar  
Quick, go call the dentist  
Rotten teeth are gone.  
Playing games like fetch  
And get your homework done  
Silly, sad, and wretched  
My life has just begun.

I'm not suicidal  
Not even that depressed  
I'm just slow and idle  
I'm proud and rude at best.  
The seven sins so vile  
They burden me with hurt  
Consciousness and conscience  
What is my life worth?

Playing childish games  
An immature young kid  
Dysfunctional, in pain (care?)  
I never really did.  
I thrive on bland attention  
And praise for what I do  
Being bad is my intention  
Until you start to notice, too.

Mocking me with hatred  
Putting me to shame  
I think that's time wasted  
One day all will know my name.  
Laughing at the harsh disposal  
Of us solely human waste  
We toxic beings are quite awful  
We don't even live with grace.

FROM INSIDE:

Take a bite of  
The rotten apple.  
Send a shock of poison  
Into my blood.  
Sharp water, stings my heart.  
Stir the ink

Into the water.  
Then sit and watch  
The darkness spread.  
Pasty white, sullen angels.  
Fallen from their temple  
Skies.  
Like a crow, with  
Silky feathers.  
Flutter down, onto the ground.

A wolf of red coat  
Eyes of blood  
Teeth of silver  
Hungry love.  
Smelling skin that's burning  
Raw.  
Tasting flesh inside its thoughts.

Mind of wolves  
And heart of darkness  
Feeling, seeing, starving for  
Someone to give me  
Everything.

The first bite into my flesh  
Something struck me as  
Odd.  
My eyes grew wide and  
I stared down

 

Laughing, can't stop laughing,  
That's how it starts.

Sickly sweet sugar delights  
Ruined with a black decay  
Spreading, eating, consuming  
Until it's all gone away.  
Purity made to look like night  
Distorted by darkness,  
From inside.

Now the wolf sleeps,  
And it does rest.  
No harm will come  
From its tired head.  
Its claws are blunt, designed  
To heal.  
And the cage continues  
To hold him well.

Suddenly, his stomach  
Growls.  
He knows that he will starve  
If he does not eat.  
Looking around, only his host  
Is vulnerable enough  
To let him in.  
Disguising himself as a dog  
He weaves his way into your heart.  
To plant the seed  
Of darkness and wrong

A chunk of skin  
Tearing it up  
Crying out  
He knows it well,

The stagnant air leaves it all  
Empty

MILK AND HONEY:

flowing falls  
Of milk and syrup  
maple fires  
And red trees  
Perfection exists  
People have proven  
In the land  
of milk and honey

candy sugar  
and caramelization  
sweet coatings  
of fake beauty  
playing games  
we all know  
in the land  
Of milk and honey

HM:

s-u-i-c-i-d-e

i love you and you hate me

s-u-i-c-i-d-e 

i will die real soon you'll see

s-u-i-c-i-d-e 

I'll have wings eventually

s-u-i-c-i-d-e 

snap my neck and please kill me

s-u-i-c-i-d-e 

not ok, trigger warning

 

EMI EMI EMI EMI EMI EMI EMI:

I hurt everyone I try to care for  
I'm stupid, selfish, and attention-seeking  
Unnecessary human existence  
Petty, pathetic, needy, and hateful  
Spiteful and awful me.  
I wish I could just take it all away  
End it all, but...  
That must just be the attention-seeking me  
Talking.

Ruining everything with my splotches  
Of despair  
and pain  
But you will never return  
Again...

 

cut me up and call me yours  
i wish youd take me back  
so you could beat me up  
and watch my tears fall  
it would drive me insane  
i want all of the pain from you  
please hate me with it all  
hate me so, so, so much  
make me bleed  
bleed  
bleed  
hate me please

happy

 

 

There are more but those are the ones on my phone :O


	6. Songs.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Songs I wrote :P

Struggling

Help, help, this drowning boy  
Pushed under the deep deep water  
Save him, he can't swim  
His screams echo through the night 

Save, save, the troubled girl   
Her dreams have failed her once again  
Save her, she can't fix  
Broken pieces she tries to pick up

Wishing and wanting   
Selfish loving  
Taking and taking  
What is not theirs  
They cry out to blackness  
"Save us, from ourselves!"  
But the dark never replies  
Only echoes  
Their cries  
Quieter than a raindrop   
The storm grows louder in them  
Scream for peace

Color Drain

I feel a silver lining  
I see it creeping closer  
Nothing quite fits my liking  
So I say it is over

Accept this  
Embrace it  
The darkness  
Is a risk

It's everywhere, you will see it  
If you do, you will believe it  
That it is here  
That it is there  
The color drains from everywhere

Red, orange, yellow green and blue  
Do you see me,   
Cause I sure see you  
Yellow, green, blue and violet  
Did you say your prayers   
This is getting really violent

Make a home  
Tear it down  
Hope that you'll   
Never frown

But you are special  
But you are different  
Unique and colorful   
So, so, talented  
So so talented...

...

Red, orange, yellow green and blue  
Do you see me,   
Cause I sure see you  
Yellow, green, blue and violet  
Did you say your prayers   
This is getting really violent

Boxes and fixtures  
Of old memories  
Unpacking the mixtures  
Causing them to grive

A loss of a child  
A pretty white blossom  
It's been such a while  
You shouldn't have lost them

You, you are one of a kind  
There's no one like you  
Species of your own mind  
You glow and radiate, true.

...

Red, orange, yellow green and blue  
Do you see me,   
Cause I sure see you  
Yellow, green, blue and violet  
Did you say your prayers   
This is getting really violent

The colors are all falling down  
I see them dripping away  
I know that I always frown  
Because a smile is too much work  
Today....

I see your rainbow eyes  
So brown and full of fervor  
You know I cried and cried  
The days i fantasized  
All over.  
All over...

Red, orange, yellow green and blue  
Do you see me,   
Cause I sure see you  
Yellow, green, blue and violet  
Did you say your prayers   
This is getting really violent

Red, orange, yellow green and blue  
Do you see me,   
Cause I sure see you  
Yellow, green, blue and violet  
Did you say your prayers   
This is getting really violent

See a miracle  
Need a miracle  
Grieve a miracle  
In the making  
Color draining  
Color draining  
Color draining...  
Color fading.

Candy Kids

 

Baby boy  
Sugary and blue

Baby girl  
New life, born anew

Pink and rosy  
Lullabies  
Lull us off to sleep  
Purple candy  
Butterflies  
Keep us counting sheep

When the morning comes   
And mommy wakes us up  
Never end the fun  
Never give up

Candy boy and candy girl  
Children that do own the world  
Savoring their baby lives  
They would not apologize.

Baby boy  
Candy canes and sweets

Baby girl  
Silver powdered sheets

Very sunny  
Morning days  
Waking us all up  
All the candy   
That we take   
Will spill out of our guts

And when it's time to rest  
And we get tucked away   
Lay down our little heads  
We'll surely wake up one day

Candy boy and candy girl  
Children that do own the world  
Savoring their baby lives  
They would not apologize.

Baby boy  
Bittery and sour

Baby girl  
Lemons in the shower

Washed away  
with carbon waves  
Buttersquash and nut  
Leaving us  
to sleep for days  
And never wake us up

(Never)

 

...

 

Baby boy  
Lay him down for rest

Baby girl   
She'll never be the best

Baby boy  
Underneath the water

Baby girl  
No more a pretty daughter

*Hiccup*  
*giggles*

Candy boy and candy girl  
Children that do own the world  
Savoring their baby lives  
They would not apologize.

Vile boy and acid girl  
Children that did own their world  
Savored their pathetic lives  
They did not apologize.

(They'll never live out their lives)

(Under water, their demise)

(Savored their pathetic lives)

20 Faced Dismal Entity 

20 different faces   
Of a people wannabe  
20 different faces  
People I will never be

20 different faces  
Boys and girls please take a seat  
20 different faces  
Crazy as it sounds, it's me

Number one: (insanity marco)  
The psycho full of his own crazy  
Always scheming bad fantasies  
Of bloody murder and killing

Number two: (Purity Marco)  
The sweet and shy, the schoolgirl style  
Pure and kind, he makes you smile  
Goes the stereotyped extra mile

Number three: (june)  
A girl made of up bitter greed  
Selfish, full of her own needs  
Screaming her way out of things.

Number four: (Dereje)  
The bitch, the slut, the painted whore  
Sex is all that she lives for  
Kinky fucking, shut the door

Number five: (kiara)  
Artistic, nice, and sketchy gal  
She does know how to be your pal  
Will be friends with you, without

20 different faces   
Of a people wannabe   
20 different faces   
People I will never be 

20 different faces   
Boys and girls please take a seat   
20 different faces   
Crazy as it sounds, it's me 

Number six:   
Battle scarred, depression hit hard  
Mindless fights, and aching hearts  
Broken home, and broken new starts

Number seven: (Akima)  
Loves herself, and all she is  
She really is a stupid bitch  
Confident? No, egotistic.

Number eight: (evin)  
An animal, he bites, beware  
He scratches, screeches, wear and tear  
Hurts everyone, no matter where

Number nine:   
Silicone and falsities  
Liar, you don't even bleed  
Faker than a magazine

Number ten:  
Flirty, cute, the bad girl type  
Always up for a fun-filled night  
She's such a social butterfly

20 different faces   
Of a people wannabe   
20 different faces   
People I will never be 

20 different faces   
Boys and girls please take a seat   
20 different faces   
Crazy as it sounds, it's me 

Number' 11:  
Slick and smart, she'll find you out  
No need for rules when she's around  
She'll keep in check, no sleep allowed 

Number' 12:  
Never takes care of himself  
He's wasting life, and he knows well  
He wants to care, but that is all

Number' 13:   
Studious and busy worker  
He hates all the stupid talkers  
Frustration at the lazy walkers

Number 14:  
Prays all day, she's so devout  
Religious roots from way deep down  
Preaching good is her amount

Number 15:   
Satan's spawn, a blackout drunk  
The seven sins, his ship has sunk  
Alone and dying, packs up his junk

20 different faces   
Of a people wannabe   
20 different faces   
People I will never be 

20 different faces   
Boys and girls please take a seat   
20 different faces   
Crazy as it sounds, it's me 

Number 16:   
Angel child, baby boy  
Sweet as honey, sweet as joy  
Pure and simple, no fake decoy

Number 17:  
Flower diva, star of shows  
Dancing queen sings a tale of woes   
She cries, and tries, but no one shows

Number 18:  
Determined, tough, ready to fight  
Will never lose to darkened light  
Till death, said he, is close, in sight 

Number 19:  
The poet, the words, that flow from his mouth,  
He sings, in awe, they watch closely how  
His voice, and words, they swallow the crowd.

Number 20:  
One bite, then another, this gluttonous man  
He means no harm, wish someone'd hold his hand  
Calm, subdued, but never stops eating and  
No one likes him  
Who he says that "I am"

20 different faces   
Of a people wannabe   
20 different faces   
People I will never be 

20 different faces   
Boys and girls please take a seat   
20 different faces   
Crazy as it sounds, it's me 

No one likes me  
No one like us  
All 20 faces  
Of different distrust  
You'll never know  
Until you try  
And then it's time for  
A lullaby

Bad Person

A criss-cross apple-sauce   
Early day at school.  
Little kids line up   
And follow all the rules.

Some are odd, some are not  
But most try and connect.  
There is a girl, soft and small  
Who doesn't understand.

Oh...  
Oh...  
Oh...  
Oh...

A weak link, little brat  
Undefined and rude.  
Rebellious, to disrepect  
How to be defused?

She is kind, she is mean  
No one seems to understand.  
What she is, and what she's not  
Sometimes she lends a hand.

Ribbons, tied up,   
All so evenly  
Dressed up, ego high  
They say she is so free.

She will stare, she will cry  
And she will just deny  
I don't do anything wrong  
All I do is right.

Oh...  
Oh...  
Oh...  
Oh...

And soon...  
There is a spreading, growing  
Madness  
Kicking in...  
Sadness, tragedy....

No smiling anymore,   
unless you tell a joke  
Countless moments wasted  
Dreaming of a better life

But my life is so good  
I have everything  
But not what I   
Want...

Heartache

Seventy two pieces of uneaten candy  
Staring at them all as they sit beside me  
Seventy two pieces of eaten candy  
I feel sick, this is quite unhealthy  
(unhealthy)

I try to maintain a course of thought  
Eyes wide open, and a flower-pot  
Convinced that I was, but I realize I'm not  
I bathe in my own corruption and my rot

Oh...

I speak of a 'you' belonging with a 'me'  
Talking all about it as if it were a reality  
Every night as I talk in my sleep  
I dream of all the things that we could never be.  
that we could never be....  
Every night as I talk in my sleep  
I dream of all the things that we could never be.  
that we could never be....

Giving you hugs and laughing with you  
All these memories in my head anew  
Tearing up, remembering the voice I knew  
The many times together that now feel few...

Late night coversations, staying up till dawn.  
Pondering whether it was contagious to yawn.  
Silly little jokes we made feel sullen and wrong.  
Everything we did together was time that was not...  
Forgot.....

I speak of a 'you' belonging with a 'me'  
Talking all about it as if it were a reality  
Every night as I talk in my sleep  
I dream of all the things that we could never be.  
that we could never be....  
Every night as I talk in my sleep  
I dream of all the things that we could never be.  
that we could never be....

And oh, and oh, and oh...  
Feeling so alone...  
What do I gain from being on my own...?

The empty darkness replies,  
Turn your eyes to the sky  
Raindrops fall in your eyes,  
Demise.

I speak of a 'you' belonging with a 'me'  
Talking all about it as if it were a reality  
Every night as I talk in my sleep  
I dream of all the things that we could never be.  
that we could never be....  
Every night as I talk in my sleep  
I dream of all the things that we could never be.  
that we could never be....  
that we could never be....  
that we will never be....

Untitled

A girl that I know   
Happy, pretty, shiny gold  
Smiles when she isn't told  
Cries in front of everyone 

A girl that I know  
She is okay with her world  
Everything is fine, okay   
Never better, never worse

A girl that I know  
Split apart and torn  
Tears stain her rounded nose  
She will never really grow

A boy that I know  
He is lying to himself  
Not so mean, or nice at all  
Sitting up there on a shelf

A girl that I know  
Drama queen, class mistake  
She is sad and loud about it  
No one likes her anyway

A girl that I know  
Crying daily now  
She is all messed up  
Confused about herself

A boy that I know  
No one likes him for who he is  
A bit twisted, unlike the rest   
They all thought he was odd

A boy that I know  
Just a kid full of hate  
At the world, himself,   
name it it's there

A girl that I know  
She is miserable and sad  
And they talk to her about it  
Take her to therapy to fix her traumas 

A girl that I know  
She blames herself for everybody's pains  
Tearing up and sensitive   
What a pity that she was so dark

A boy that I know  
His monstrous personality  
Pushes everyone away  
From his selfish truth-telling

These dear, dear kids  
These boys and girls  
Lost their sad lives  
To demons inside

Kiseichū

Look at me when I speak to you  
Listen to me, all that I do.  
Pay no attention to her or to him  
Focus on me always, 100 percent.  
Keep your eyes on me, appear captivated  
With my selfishness, the room has been  
Pervaded.

Parasites like me should be dead,  
Decayed and gone  
Wishing they would leave but they head  
Deeper into your heart  
I only want you to drain you out  
I only want to use you like you used me-  
I only want you to scream and shout...  
I only want to abuse your mind, you see?

Talk to me when I look lonely  
Always check my mood all day  
No, they don't matter, me only  
I should be the reason you stay  
Parasites like me deserve death  
But for now, I say, my selfish heart lives!

Gimme more, gimme more  
All that you can give  
Drain you, parasites we are  
Then leech off others, they won't live.  
Hey, gimme more, gimme more  
Give me everything   
Satsify the need for more  
Stronger urge is breaking me

Parasites like me should be dead,  
Decayed and gone  
Wishing they would leave but they head  
Deeper into your heart  
I only want you to drain you out  
I only want to use you like you used me-  
I only want you to scream and shout...  
I only want to abuse your mind, you see?

Sit with me and love me  
Promise that you'll never leave  
Care about me, satisfy, please  
I love you far, far too much  
To ever let you leave my touch  
Will you stay here and such?

My chains that I built up  
From lacking care, it's not enough  
They wrap around your neck and clutch  
Tightly to your arms and legs  
"Hold onto memories!" I beg  
Holes that will not fill again

Gimme more, gimme more  
All that you can give  
Drain you, parasites we are  
Then leech off others, they won't live.  
Hey, gimme more, gimme more  
Give me everything   
Satsify the need for more  
Stronger urge is breaking me

Parasites like me should be dead,  
Decayed and gone  
Wishing they would leave but they head  
Deeper into your heart  
I only want you to drain you out  
I only want to use you like you used me-  
I only want you to scream and shout...  
I only want to abuse your mind, you see?

And as the collars tighten   
Wiring around our necks  
Your teary eyes drip and widen  
As we take our final breaths.  
Gasping for air, we suffocate  
But you take time to say one last thing-  
 ... *breathing*  
"Fuck you".  
... *silence*  
Chains clamp around; the end.  
No room to reply to your dying comment  
No time to tell a happy lie  
No time for a final empty   
"Good-bye"

Tell Me

Tell me you love me  
Tell me you care  
Tell me you need me  
You'll always be there

Cause if you don't  
My happiness will soon die  
And if you won't,  
Then please fill my head with lies

I've become the kind of person that I  
Hate seeing most in all other people   
Inside, now I have found the worst in  
Myself, and I've become oh so repulsed

Tell me you love me  
Tell me you care  
Tell me you need me  
You'll always be there

But if you can't  
At least will you lie to me?  
And give a hand  
For my failures oh please

I've let myself drip and fall in your praise  
Empty inside, now a shell of those days  
I could've been so much more back then  
But I will suffer from the error in my ways

Tell me you love me  
Tell me you care  
Tell me you need me  
You'll always be there

But if you just can't  
After all my begging  
Then I guess I will  
Curl up and cry;  
Curl up to die!

Tell me you love me  
Tell me you care  
Tell me you need me  
You'll never be there

Selfish Love~

I should be doing my homework  
(Homework is first priority)  
Focus, focus  
(Focus, focus)  
Work, work  
(Playing is a minority)  
Don't forget any steps  
(Do not forget, any of the steps)  
Or you will have to redo.  
(Redo will be done to impress)  
Saying you're right  
(Insisting you're right)  
Knowing you're wrong  
(She says you are lying)  
Putting the words   
(Misplacing pronouns)  
In the wrong spot  
(Cannot be wound down)  
They coil around your mind  
(Coil thickly around your bare skull)  
A thick black cloud  
(Black clouds you see)  
Of your forgetting  
(From forgetting)  
School is most important of all  
(School reigns above them all)  
If you forget  
(And if you forget it)  
You'll pay for it  
(You will regret it)

Stay, stay  
Oh stay please  
Give me an empty  
Thought and memory  
Stay, stay  
Don't leave me  
You are all I have left  
Crawling through bitter envy  
She isn't yours;  
He isn't yours  
You belong to me.  
And you will never leave!

Without you i shrivel and die  
Priveleged lessons  
Wait, wait   
If you think that I have strength   
Then it will mess with your head  
You are my life  
I need you to live  
Letting you fall  
Away in pieces  
I'm taking from you all you have  
Your memories  
They belong to me  
All that you have is now mine  
My selfish love  
Chains you down with me

Stay, stay  
Oh stay please  
Give me an empty  
Thought and memory  
Stay, stay  
Don't leave me  
You are all I have left  
Crawling through bitter envy  
She isn't yours;  
He isn't yours  
You belong to me.  
And you will never leave!

...

Audible voices are heard  
Are they spying on you?  
I think he's waiting  
I think she's waiting  
For a chance to tell you  
They meet you after school  
Talking about nothing  
They see you there   
They smile and glare  
And dust blows with blood in the wind

Stay, stay  
Oh stay please  
Give me an empty  
Thought and memory  
Stay, stay  
Don't leave me  
You are all I have left  
Crawling through bitter envy  
She isn't yours;  
He isn't yours  
You belong to me.  
And you will never leave!

You will never leave...

Attention Whore:

Red lips  
Blood drips  
Time skips  
Addicts   
A dark wish  
Stupid bitch

I'm a   
I'm a   
I'm an  
Attention whore  
x2

Sick lies  
Blue ties  
Crossed eyes  
Broken times  
Wishing rhymes  
Hopeless chimes  
Clock died  
I tried  
To find  
Your mind

I'm a   
I'm a  
I'm an  
Attention whore.  
x2


	7. Keep Me Sane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> HELLO YES? FINALLY A CHAPTER THAT DOESNT HAVE DETAILED RAPE OR MURDER IN IT???? YEAH!!!  
> Aight,, this chapter is gonna be about me and my weird personality.

Who I Can Be

\----------------------

Laughter. Such a simple thing, that can brighten an entire day. A little joke, a silly pun. Anything to put a smile on your face.  
(Purity)

Love. Yes, the real kind. The pure, sweet kind we all read about. A walk in the park, a day at the movies. Happy times and sweet gestures.  
[Opposes: Lust]  
(Purity)

Sadness. The dark, innocent kind. Giving up, a feeling of losing your ground. A child's tears...  
(Half-purity)

Gluttony. Quite literally, indeed. Eating until one feels sick. Repulsed by your own face. But nonetheless continue to eat... And eat...And never throw up.  
(Impurity)

Honesty. Never lying, nor being able to lie about certain things, also known as poor self-control. Talking too much and saying things to be regretted.  
[Opposes: Hypocrisy]  
(Half-purity)

Immaturity. A burning desire to do whatever i want, taking in note the consequences. And ignoring them. Pure immaturity, with its selfisness, neediness, ignorance...  
(Impurity)

Violence. The tearing at a poor animal's flesh, the thirst for dripping blood, no matter who's or what's. Needing to rip someone apart to feel good, to feel powerful.  
[Opposes: Peace]  
(Impurity)

Innocence. The unknowingness of how cruel people can be to another. Loss, and sadness is terrifying. Scared, alone, afraid. Loving to others, and animals, and enjoys the little things in life.  
(Purity)

Lust. Taking someone who was not yours, something that did not belong to you, and taking it as your own. Claiming what you do not deserve, violently or not.  
[Opposes: Love]  
(Impurity)

Hypocrisy. Lies, all of it is lies. Tell others they are wrong, then flip the cards on yourself and do that very thing, making putrid excuses that rot with your sour corpse.  
[Opposes: Honesty]  
(Impurity)

Animalistic. Smiling through sharpened teeth, laughing amd tearing yourself and others apart in your mind, destroying all humanity left in your body.  
(Impurity)

Artistic. This side is fading slowly, but the bursts of inspiration are undeniably the creativity in me. Colors paint my world, and all monotony is gone.  
[Opposes: Bleakness]  
(Half-purity)

Showoff. I just want the world to see me as different, as interesting, unique. But... I've corrupted myself so much, thinking someone will look at me. No one does.  
Loud and arrogant. Wants to fit in, desperately.  
(Half-purity)

Peace. Do not let anyone be hurt. Please stop destroying our environment and our people's minds. The cortuption in this era must be fought! An all-over good feeling of love for the world and empathy for others struggling, often followed by motivation and kindness.  
[Opposes: Violence]  
(Purity)

Bleakness. A feeling of nothingness, hopelessness, and worthlessness. Comparable to a gaping hole. Completely gray and colorless.  
[Opposes: Artistic & Passion]  
(Half-purity)

Hate-ism. Despises everybody, and everything. Wants to destroy both good and evil. Usually accompanied with severe feelings of self-loathing and anger.  
(Impurity)

Egotism. Feelings of power over another, or a desperate need for that control, that reign, over another. Human, or not. Self-worth drops, but self-image is bloated.  
(Impurity)

Passion. Alongside artistic, this is the drive for doing the VERY few things I find joy in. It is what keeps me going.  
(Purity)  
[Opposes: Bleakness]

Laziness. There is a blurry line between what is laziness, and what is tiredness. But I know very well when I pretend to be tired, or in bad mental shape, to avoid work. Also known as sloth. Is accompanied by poor physical and mental health, along with lack of morality or compassion.  
(Impurity)

Self-deprecation. Involves severe feelings of remorse, and wishing to become a different person. Is either followed by depression or healing, depending on the mood. A peculiar sadness that follows after disillusionment, or failure.  
(Half-purity)

Vulgarity. An absolute slob. Does not give two fucks about mental/physical state, and falls into disrepair. Acts rude and irritated. Unliked by most. Swears loudly and angrily.  
(Impurity)

Pastel/aesthetic. Have a wardrobe full of light-colored clothes, and tons of fashion goals. "Kawaii" style outfits. Looks through online stores to find the best clothes.  
(Purity)

Loneliness. Just a feeling of solitude that comes from the realization that I will never find anyone just like me. The more I split myself up, the more I add to my personality, the less people like me, the less people there are like me.  
(Half-purity)

LGBTQ Pride. Love for all, embraces equality and humanity. Accepting and caring. Hate-speech is intolerable, and looked down upon. Reads cute fanfics.  
(Purity)  
[Opposes: Hate-speech, Violence, Vulgarity, etc.]

Hate-speech. This classifies as mainly racist, sexist, and homophobic. (i.e. Nazism, anti-LGBTQ+, etc.) Thoroughly and meanly expresses hate towards non-whites and deviating from what is seen as acceptable.  
[Opposes: LGBTQ Pride, Peace, etc]  
(Impurity)

So Now You Know Me.

........................................

PT 2. Who I Want To Be

.................................

Carelessness. Shrugs off insults as if they mean nothing. Insensitive to things others say, because they aren't even true. Others' opinions are not important.  
(Half-purity)

Recklessness. Takes chances, dives into things without thinking them through. And whatever happens, happens. Sees risks as part of life, and does not aim to avert from them.  
(Half-purity)

Mature. Calm and collected. Able to hold my tongue, or bite back a rude or personal comment. Speaks politely always, and slow to anger. Stable and cold-hearted. Respectful, therefore respected.  
(Half-purity)

Inspired. Creative, and enjoyable. An extroverted, kind person. Smart and artistic. Comparable to a light, inspiring others towards the good.  
(Purity)

Anorexic. Everyone wants a nice body, but this is specifically aimed at the tremendous self-restraint that is shown when avoiding food, even to an unhealthy extent, along with exercising insane amounts. [Note that I once attempted this, only to be force-fed by my family upon theur discovery.]  
(Impurity)

Athletic. The kind that always watches the latest game, bonds over sports with people, plays different kinds of sports. Does not enjoy junk food to an extreme, but chips are a must.  
(Purity)

Pastel goth. Listens to dark music, selfharms, wears dark jewelry, loves rainy days. Kind of an aesthetic depression. Rude and obnoxious, loner. Similar to a punk but less rebellious and more anxious and irritable.  
Moody.  
(Half-purity)

Religious. Devout Catholic. Holds up morals and virtues. Confesses sins, prays, etc. Cries over violence and hate in the world.  
(Purity)

Cultural. Of any culture, really. (i.e. Russian, Norwegian, German, etc.] Proud of my country's past and being able to speak its language proudly, and without the fear of being laughed at.  
(Half-pure)

Now You Know Who I Wanna Be

.......................................................

Wow, wasn't that a doozy. Well! Know you know my life is a bunch of controversies and a LOT of getting yelled at by people for doing bad shit.  
(Did you know, a part of me literally just said "Don't CURSE, stop it!!!" in my head?)  
Anyway,, um... Yep!  
Y e p... now u know im an envious lil shit and i wanba be like others


	8. Existential Crisis™

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> niHilISM aaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAA

Hello yes it is me and I am back with writing therapy session™

Deep topics time.

 

1\. Nothing matters  
2\. Accepting that nothing matters is equal to losing hope  
3\. You can live without hope   
4\. 3 is a lie.

 

I have found that I am a very confusing person  
This is most likely why I do not have...more than one friend.  
:(  
I am really lonely  
But for good reason!  
Kinda like that stupid karma thing...  
I am sweet on the outside, but then when you get to know me I become a repelling mix of kind and crazy.  
Not the good crazy....  
More like the person who has seen a lot and knows a lot about things. That can make you crazy. 

I think too much, lately. Now, yes, I have considered homicide, but I still want to do things, even when I know they are all pointless in the end. This is my version of hope. So I do not do anything too rash.   
I am a child!   
When I was much younger, well, I was not always so sweet, but no child is, because they have not yet developed a full sense of right vs. wrong.  
When I was little, I was a semi-normal mix of childish cruelty and childish compassion. I had my share of issues, but as a child, I would often outright deny them. What child wants to burden themselves with mental pain that early on?  
So, as a kid, I basically tried to blind myself, but I did it so unconsciously that I barely even noticed. I did other things, too. I mean, the worst thing I did as a child was that I was REEEEALLY perverted. But it was more like like, an odd kind of it. It wasn't all the time, just when I was bored or at Mass...errr....shit. Well, we can't change what our six year old selves thought, now, can we?  
Anyway. As all child, I grew to become quite embarrassed a lot. And highly anxious, but I will put blame for that on my parents. Simply because I always seemed to mess up. Oh well.   
But what makes a person really messed up in life?  
Their childhood. I always wanted to be the star of everything, but my crippling anxiety™ kept me from it.  
But really, I was sweet inside. I said my prayers, sometimes, when I wanted to, I did my schoolwork....sometimes....  
I had big sparkly little kid dreams about getting superpowers, and being magical. But even then...I was a selfish twit. I wanted to use everything to my advantage. Always. I rarely cared for others, and most of the time I was not afraid to show how little others mattered! But I did not FULLY comprehend why or what I was doing. I overrid all my qualms about it by saying, "I want this. That is all that matters." This got me yelled at, and punished, and hit, but I kept at it. It was all I knew.   
Maybe my parents divorcing when I was maybe almost two years old had some effect on me. Maybe that is why my single earliest memory is of me being sick on the couch, watching an episode of a children's show that was scary to me, and I was sick with the flu, when I overheard my parents arguing, then my dad hit my mom.   
It's funny, because my dad now rarely shows any anger. Mom says he bottles it up. My parents used to tell me two different things. Mamá would say he is the devil and she wanted him to die. She also said he abused me and made me think things. Dad would say that mom would brainwash me.   
I personally always saw my dad as the good guy, and I have always been more open to him. He used to be my refuge from mom's control. Pretty ironic because mom always said he controlled me. I am, to this day, closer to him, but it is a bad relationship nonetheless. 

These days, my mother makes me feel bad about myself so very much.  
My dad gets irritated, not so much as before, but he becomes irritable over the smallest things. He is OCD.  
But what I can say is that neither of them is AS bad as before.  
My mom used to yell and hit me often, after nicely telling me things a lot.  
Now she only talks or sometimes yells at me. Though she does have the reactions she used to have on me at my younger, good-for-nothing brother.   
My brother is also SO VERY selfish.   
And my dad used to hold me on a pair of metaphorical strings, but he has changed after my debacle with death™.

Anyway maybe that explains a little piece of why I am so fucked up?

There's more to the story, though.


	9. Songs. Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Milk and Honey   
(More like a poem than a song)

flowing falls  
Of milk and syrup  
maple fires  
And red trees  
Perfection exists  
People have proven  
In the land  
of milk and honey

candy sugar   
and caramelization  
sweet coatings  
of fake beauty  
playing games  
we all know  
in the land  
Of milk and honey

Problem Child Catastrophe 

Settle down  
For the birds that fly don't like me either  
Up and down my mind sways  
If you think candy is yucky   
Then you need to stop that!  
Put the fire out  
And watch it sizzle   
Away

I need nine lives   
To spend all of them  
One for the goodness  
Purity and kindness  
One for the seven sins   
Food, money, hate, sleep

Don't you love the way your teeth rot   
And they never seem to heal?  
Don't you wish you could  
Never talk again  
So you can never say the wrong thing?

Little birds they cry at me  
I'm ugly and dripping wet  
Like a mangy dog  
How disgusting  
My flesh is torn by parasites   
They leech off me  
Then I bleed out

You don't like me?  
I don't like me?  
No one likes me....

Seven little flowers  
I tend to carefully  
I water them every day  
And get them light

But the water's made of acid  
And fire is their light

Mommy says no more cookies  
I have had enough  
But damn it, mommy,   
I want sugar,   
No matter who I'll kill.

Delusions of grandeur   
Like I'm worth something  
But no I'm not   
I'm just a rotting apple  
Spoiling the bunch

Cute me, good me  
Goodbye loving hateful world

I love me?  
You love me?  
Nobody loves me

And this is how the scizzors turn

The Kik-Kek of Sin 

kik...   
kek... 

Do you hear that?   
The sound 

Of the bird that hit the  
window  
and collapsed on the ground  
No air  
no life  
nothing but a worming  
Wriggling  
Emptiness

The shadow of the daylight  
calls me by my name  
if you  
asked me  
I would not know 

Either

Spinning upon an axis  
we tumble to and   
Fro  
helplessly we jumble  
our mental state is  
low

And kik-kek goes the   
Screaming kitten  
kik kek  
kik kek  
until no one hears anything but  
the bluest sky and  
broken Light.   
With a refraction   
of a night-light

That the children use to scare  
the ghosts away  
far far away

 

The lamps dim   
Are left with the   
Kik kek  
kik kek  
of the shattered glass on 

the floor

The whole floor  
glass  
all glassy eyed  
broken-like 

Kik kek  
kik kek  
goes the knife

kik kek  
kik kek  
sounds of laughter

fill the air  
the polluted air

Untitled

When I was little my mother  
She begged me not to take after my father

Now I'm selfish, arrogant, and frankly  
Just annoying  
And I see now that's why I loved him

 

He let me stay up late, eat sugar, and whine  
But now I hate myself and am in  
Moral decline

Tears and violence are all I know  
Maybe someone can tell me   
Take pity on me  
I was abused

But I also play the victim  
And exaggerate my pain  
How I wish I had some morals  
Like any other human being

Electronic Insomnia

That time, it came around once again  
That faded, sleepless 3'am...  
That time I dread awakening...  
"But, who needs sleep?" Is all I said.

Dreary, pooling  
State of my mentality  
Clearly, drooling  
Over what could never be.  
Practiced, losing  
Control of my conscious memory....  
A terrifying thunder strikes my head-!

That, time, it really wouldn't stop.  
That, time, boring holes into the clock.  
That, time, regulating's all I've got-  
And even that I'm losing, gone away.

Cold, consuming  
Burning feeling of plain old 4'am.  
Gray, abusing  
Sickening thought, that I'll sleep again.  
Muddy, confusing  
The reason of my constant suffering.  
The black and white noise is growing louder-!

....

Arrogant atrocity,  
Tells me what, what could have been.  
Electronic sleeplessness,  
Festers on my phone's bleak distress.

Outliers and formulas  
Blur together, foggy, gone.  
Brain damage at overload...  
I feel, we feel, why don't you show-!?

...

Melodies, are not easy to create.  
Wasn't born with any silver spoon or plate.  
Laughingstock fears they fill my days...  
And a conscious new beginning fades away!

Aaah-!!

Symphonies of crystal colors fill my ears!  
Clashing with my moods and all my darkest fears!  
My apathy, and that hateful feeling leers!  
Self-control, well, it simply disappears!

Mrs. Yin and Mr. Yang Found a Terrifying Jumble of Lies

Creating,  
(Casualties)

Forgiving,  
(Pure sewage)

Regretting  
(Pulse-racing)

Repeating  
(Receding!)

A bland ring of white lays on the floor, and  
Symbolizes purity, and kindness.  
Her name is Miss Yin, though, tainted from within, she's sure to continually perish.

A ring made of tar stretches himself, and  
Follows a path paved in darkness.  
His name is Mister Yang, though, they call him insane, he's sure to be much more loving one day.

Don't you see the beauty, in their calculated chaos?  
Next thing you'll tell me is that it's not within you-!  
The good and the bad, gloried eyes, and broken halves,  
Surely take away every last false notion.

Two Minutes' Hate  
(Inspired/Based on 1984)

Clear, erase, make sure there's nothing left.  
Get rid of all, the falsified incrimination.  
Lies, no lies, what ever do you mean? You cannot.  
Seeing through our pretty façade means death!

Black, and white, they stain the brain and narrow thinking.  
Leaving no truth, wreaking havoc, always lying.  
They, oh, they, are always listening and watching.  
Through the telescreen I can hear you, SEE you!

Vision at bay  
Meritless decay  
Orthodox shade  
Never deviate!

Seeing and hearing is a lie, I must admit, comrade.  
Clarity, purity, vexatiously pondering through things.  
Stop, you must stop, before they take it all away!  
Holding everything to you, the past twists and fades to gray.

Get up, the scum of the earth works to serve a lie.  
"So much worse before, now." Rebelling through corruption.  
Falsehoods and muck, winding down proles' throats.  
There are curtains of rectified liars' deceitful literatue.

Vision at bay  
Meritless decay  
Orthodox shade  
Never deviate!

Untitled  
Cradled in a cold tomb of mold and mildew,   
Something about this atmosphere...hurts!  
Stuck in a perpetual stare of cocooned...  
Bliss,  
This is no rotting photosynthesis.

Mangy and worm eaten...bodies,  
Lay outwards from insides flipped out  
Mosquitoes and larvae inside of us  
Wriggling through sickening grime.

Visual tricks of some foolish cruel game  
Someone has been lying lately  
Who did not clean their room, brush their teeth, and sleep well?  
The kid infested with bugs over there

Let us not cry as they try to consume  
The bones and the muscle of ours  
Hold your breath, they're in your head  
These vicious insects and slimy things

Mask your decaying self with   
Perfume of goodheartedness  
And fail at lying every time  
Mark in red blood, underline it  
And try to deny it

You are not even alive anymore

Солнце все равно взорвется, так зачем делать что-то продуктивным? 

 

Waking up to a bright, and sunny day.  
I think I lost my old self in the rain  
Can I make things right,  
Set myself on a good path, one day?

 

Today will be that day, the day I   
Make good decisions for my future  
Yes, indeed, that must be  
The day that I see upcoming, today!

 

Buuuut...  
I mean, why try when I have to do it   
All again tomorrow?  
Brush teeth, and hair, take showers...nah!! No way!  
And it only makes me un-ha-ppy!  
Aaaand...  
I'm so certain, I can change myself  
For the better, I know!  
Study, work hard, have fun, no way, nuh-uh!!!  
But, have a million bad excuses, easy!

 

Dreading the school year, every bit of it.  
Making sure I understand it's part of this  
Idiocy, oh, you're talking to me?  
I did not care enough to start listening...

I must tell you this one little thing...  
I'm witholding my true motivation!  
Of course, I could do it if I tried, y'know,  
I feel it in my mind, a hope...

 

That I could do much better than this!!

 

Buuuuut...  
I mean, why make an effort when I can Instead play computer games!  
Dress well, socialize, play outside....nah! No way!  
And it only makes me un-ha-ppy!  
Aaaaand...  
I'm so sure I got things together, then you  
Tell me the year's only begun!

 

AaaaaaaaAAAAAAaaaaAAHHHHHH-!!!

 

I need to buy more time, these slipping grades and excuses of mine.

 

Wasting so much time, doing nothing at all...  
Staring blankly at the wall, my phone, it all...  
Crashing down like my blatant hypocrisy, and then I realize exactly what I need...!

 

TAKING A TRIP NOW, WHAT IS IT THAT YOU NEED, THAT I NEED?  
RUNNING IN CIRCLES, PUT YOUR HANDS UP IN THE SKY, SING!  
SWIRL SELF-AWARENESS RIGHT DOWN ALONG THE DRAIN!  
AND L-L-L-LOSE MYSELF IN THE VIBRANT HYPNOSIS TO DEGREES!!

LET THE FEELINGS OF A HUNDRED-THOUSAND-MILLION PEOPLE RUN RAMPANT!  
GET UP, AND SHOUT, PURE FILTH AND RELEASE THE TRUTH!!  
SEE THE MILLION YOU'S REFRACTED IN MIRRORS ALL AROUND!  
CHOOSE THEM ALL AND LEAP RIGHT INTO OBLIVION!

 

pinch me now, crystal clear i can see, that truth has now been fading  
laughing out was so tiring, but im not sleepy  
seeming familiar, happy, slippy, trippy faces   
slide down to the face of disaster  
staring back....with...red...eyes!

 

why try, at all, when the sky is gonna fall down one day  
make broken things whole, renounce, all you have ever even known  
see a world you never wanted to believe existed....  
mend little things, see yourself in every wrong light  
must find a way, to make this all right...

 

and continue ruining everything! 

The Oblique Lament of a Violent Over eater

Light headed twists of a sugar high  
Wondering why  
Wondering why  
Bloody red eyes from an attempt to cry  
Wondering why  
Wondering why

In my throat, trying to leave me  
What did I do to deserve this?  
Eating, breathing, going crazy  
Will someone please save me?

Smile masked under a midnight snack  
Hurrying back  
Hurrying back  
Hitting the floor, you look taken aback  
Hurrying back  
Hurrying back

Heavy breathing, melancholy  
Taking your time is necessary.  
Wasting time, caramel candy...  
Can somebody please change me?

 

Too late...  
Looks like it too late....  
Someone is gone now...  
Their stomach's cut out...

(Light headed twists of a sugar high...)

(Bloody red eyes from an attempt to cry..)

Twisted eclipse, did you try to reminisce  
Loathing the list  
Loathing the list  
Giving me love, nothing's ever amiss...  
Loathing the list  
Loathing the list

A TRAGEDY STEMS FROM YOUR BROKEN BONES  
NO GOING HOME  
NO GOING HOME  
LOST ALL YOU NEEDED, CHOSE FOOD OVER HOPE  
NO GOING HOME   
NO GOING---

 

home...

Nobody's Perfect (and Politics are Fun)

Quantity over quality  
Ads all light up   
On my TV.  
Screens galore  
And nothing more  
The rotting minds  
Gaze aimlessly.

Oh, the poor are getting poorer  
And, ah, the rich are sitting secure  
Don't you love the smell of   
Health-care?  
Everyone by now, they know!

Sicker, sicker sicker  
An illness is here  
I see it, do you?  
Euphemised land  
Bottled America-  
Coca cola!  
Ha! ha! ha!

Laugh at our generation's fallacy  
Dot com, dot com,   
Out of charge life.  
No goals and no purpose  
So, so , so-  
I love politics!

See how you lose   
At this lying word-game  
Petty petty faked   
Moon landing lament

 Gluttony's Lament

One more, just one little bit!

Mellow mallows make me shallow  
Looking at the inner outer  
Seeing things not as they are but  
As I would like them to be

Chewy candies leave me stranded  
Fine dining and social status  
Left behind; merely abandoned  
Marketing is really fun

Maybe my face is a disgrace  
And I am really overweight  
And my cholesterol is  
In the danger level

But....  
I am who i am and I dont want to change my ways.  
Nothing feels too good, at all, anyway.  
Search for words; I'm at a loss  
Living life, poised and at will.  
Losing things and gaining still  
Comes at a painful cost

Every bite gives me a headache  
And yes, I feel it in my stomach  
Icky gurgling sounds hate me  
Make it stop, make it stop please

Selfish eating, purely consuming  
Consumer society's fun - but not healthy  
Self loathing, but I wanna feel good  
Nausea creeps in, had enough of the food

La la la la la la  
La la la la la la  
La la la la la la


	10. MORE POEMS AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yessiree what do we have here  
> Poeeeemmsss   
> Wheeeee

Insanity

If they hate me  
If they want me to run  
This symbolic insanity  
Is now fraying away  
To trains and cars   
The evening stars  
Make me laugh again

Limericks and second grade  
These screams aren't even mine  
A smile, a frown  
They drag me down  
And laugh, they laugh again  
Petty and rude  
Lol now I'm screwed

I'm far too broken now  
Wrapped in warmth and comfort   
I see the shadow of an orange  
Morning 

Nerves split at the ends

Untitled

There is nothing here  
No, nothing here  
The birds sing  
The grass grows  
But there's emptiness in this place

The world moves on  
With or without me  
I guess I needed sleep  
I said  
As I stayed up all night

Untitled 2

ten times two  
and the days pass by  
nothing good   
And nothing pure

Why is it all like this?   
bleak and red  
like me  
like me... 

do i love myself? 

no. 

Do i love you? 

no. 

so what do i love? 

nothing, no one,   
why would i 

why.... Would i

 

stars in the sky   
I hope they fall down  
Disrespect and hate   
why am i so tainted  
sickly sweet 

Im bitter and   
Shit oh

laugh at me more  
You laugh at me so

Ill cut your tongue  
so you cant   
Ever laugh again

Haha

Millenia Suicide

Dangling our lives on a string  
Threats to cut it   
Get us whatever we want

Nice food, nice clothes  
Lazy as can be  
Attention, give me! 

Living in fake reality :)

9/6/18

They always gave me compliments  
Then turned and called me average

I dont know why, but I seem to care  
Opinions drill straight through my hair

Towards my skull, the smallest words  
They hurt, and hurt, and twist, and turn

Failure! Failure! They scream at me.  
They burn me, to the third degree

I see it all, and how it hurts  
Unsettling phrases, short and curt

Constant brain-feeding is just a drill  
I'll be alright. "I hope you will".

9/9/18

The best student is  
A silent and respectful one

The best friend is  
A silent and respectful one

The best human is  
A silent and respectful one

The most forgotten student is  
Thr silent and respectful one

The most forgotten friend is  
The silent and respectful one

The most forgotten human is  
The silent and respectful one

 

Clichés everywhere  
Run, run!

They'll  
Get you

Fall flat on poem lines and taste  
Who you are as a person

Who are you  
?

 

Text and lines follow a   
Rythym  
Beat

The world follows a   
Rythym 

Beat

And as it swirls through a creative mind

That isn't mine  
Things begin to make more sense

 

But the clearer facts become  
The less I know about myself

Fogginess is frustrating  
Borderline  
Stupidity

And the words come crashing down but they dont ever stop for anyone swish swish onomatopoeia

 

 

Lasting forever

Copy Cat

 

Through a little hole in the wall   
I begin to see so many colors

Only one issue

They are not mine.

I have an idea  
Just a small   
Idea.

But i know that i void all purity  
If i try to  
Take take take

Taking and taking  
Absorbing ideas  
Printing them out

Tracing them

I love them so much , you should feel   
Honored

So hono re d

As I bleach my skin i see that my words are all printer paper   
Copier

Ink blots 

Take these as an aesthetic

Ruin ruin things that dont belong to me  
And laugh when i start to hate myself  
One leads to   
Another

And in the end im just white  
So white

No past  
No future  
A present built on lies

 

Lies and drawings that  
Are not mine

 

I am a thief of novelty and ideas

Creativity in shards   
I take and take  
Repeating my unmotivated lyrics

I know so many words  
So why do i never use my own  
They have no impact  
I wish i communicated   
Better

SEE HOW THESE POEMS SHATTER   
THE FACT THAT I WANT TO USE BIG WORDS THAT MEAN THINGS BUT END UP MAKING NO   
SENSE

 

Poet.  
Poet  
Poe  
Po  
P  
L  
Li  
Lia  
Liar  
Liar.

9/15/18  
Behold the useless kid  
Chewing on her cud  
Laughed at by the world  
Wearing wearing her down

Sleeping on her bed of spiders  
Eating slop and laughing  
Oink oink oink the stupid girl  
Screams  
 her words all muddled up once more

Skitter away the rats they go  
Down down  
So low, so low and fall  
Far into the gutters and   
Sewers

Stop being like that  
Her abstract guts spew  
Around and around the channeled  
Hatefulness   
Near and far crickets croak like  
Toads in the late night storm

Shivers wrack the fiery spine  
Of a burning emotional stripe  
Using cold meaningless words  
Blaze arrows through the ice  
Show worlds you live in to the dust  
Again again again

10/22/18

Tears pour from my eyes 

 

I realise   
being praised just feels so good

I become in your eyes  
Something I am not  
I pretend I'm on a   
Pedestal  
Pedestal  
Up so high

kick me off the pedestal  
Please don't   
I'd cry

I'd cry

I'll cry

never enough praise  
Ego far too high

Every word  
Stings my self confidence   
The truth still covered up

Hush hush  
It's going to be bad  
Explosion

You hate me, do you not?

I am so sorry

моя кошка  
М о Я к о шК а

Strangulation Derangement

Dip up and dip down  
Parents of a fucking kind of death 

Mind scattered where I left it  
Anger - bottled up? Check  
Let slip bad things  
And she'll hurt your  
Poor brain

She'll hurt you  
On purpose accident

Laugh while crying   
Understand why  
The kind of sick fate   
that seems to play your strings

While they laugh and laugh at you  
Expressing self  
Don't!  
Sound words must be good  
Be good at sounding

Mental strangulation   
Decapitation   
They know me too well  
So why don't they know me  
?  
Bitter blood loss  
Capitulation   
Give up now

Wondering at the situation   
If I am right or are, you, mom,

Are you mad  
At me  
For a reason unbeknownst to   
Me

Me  
Only me

There is no more you   
Only me  
All me  
I am selfish like you said   
I am selfish  
I am selfish  
You are wrong but you are write  
Why do you right words  
Where are the white words

 

 

Mixed up   
what am I on

 

 

 

 

sadness plus humiliation 

 

Dreams

Brag and brag and brag  
And speak so many words  
But when in the end  
Those words mean nothing at all

Write poems, draw pictures  
Criticize your best friend   
But in the real true end  
None of it matters at all

People do leave once they   
Really get to know me  
Not one person knows all and   
Has stayed

I should know better   
Not to cry about   
Being so lonely

When this whole time I have   
Dug my own grave.

Yes, it is true  
I am so immature  
That I cover my eyes   
And dream up a world  
That I fantasize

Where I am in power  
Where I am the most cruel  
Where I am creative  
Innovative and mean  
Where every adverse adjective  
That is abhorrent and gross

 

Become me  
They all will   
Only in my dreams  
Am I Hitler.

 

AND THAT IS ALL, FOLKS!

 

just kidding xD


	11. Poetic Horror

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My horrible poems лол

One Equals X

1=?  
2=?  
3=?  
4=?

Lovely tune on a radio  
Gets me upbeat,   
Didn't you know?  
The loveliest and liveliest tunes   
Have me pulling out my hair!

Calm radar, everything is fine in   
My world  
Red light, red light,  
Decision waiting to be made  
Above chart and data flowing through   
My brain  
What to do- what to do?!

Lemon scented candles  
Causation of my headache  
Many little choices   
What's the right one to take?  
Aching head and body  
Physical decline 

Which one of the answers is right  
ONE? TWO? THREE? FOUR?  
One cannot possibly be right   
No, no, no  
I see the little intricate issues  
Problems

Two cannot possibly be correct!  
Not at all  
Because there are a series of syntax  
Errors with the way that things line up.

Playing games I never end  
Starting things to put away  
Will I ever rest again  
With these worm thoughts in my brain?

Three cannot and will never be right  
I don't know why, I cannot explain it  
I just get this feeling I can't deny  
As goes for the past two  
Why cannot I just choose?

Four comes up   
I know for certain that this has to be  
The last possible option in my mind-  
Opportunity!  
And I look at this situation  
AND IT IS WRONG!

All four possible choices are WRONG  
what am I ever going to do  
All I want is to be RIGHT  
Built on a façade of lies  
Countless times every other day  
I wear my poor head out  
It hurts to think  
So very much  
So most times I'm bland and sour.

1=×   
2=×  
3=×  
4=×

95/100=0 If You Got 100

Howework, tick tock   
Savour every little moment  
Test time, click clock  
Who wants to help me  
Today?  
Broken scizzors   
Snip snip snip

Orange pencil  
All prepared  
Pride and proud hope   
"I am best"  
Scratching graphite  
Screech screech screech  
Walk to finish first  
I'm so sure of myself

Day after day  
Only for perfection  
Got my paper back  
question 5 is wrong   
My face twists up  
Why am I like this

Look to the left, see a paper   
85 per cent  
I smile to myself  
I am better  
Look to the right, see a paper  
100 per cent with a smiley face  
I glare  
My ego weeps   
I am not good  
I stare angrily at my paper

Not enough, my 95   
Not enough to be proud  
Teacher congratulates the   
Student to my right  
She is the only one with a 100

That should be me  
I am an A  
I am a 100  
That is all I must be  
To get the smile of a teacher or  
Parent that is so proud of me

I am captain of the women's swim because I worked hard   
I received all As because I worked hard  
I try so hard  
Yet, I am not the fastest on the team  
Yet, teachers demand more work  
I have no friends  
And I have no heart  
All I want is compliments   
The only reason   
I work hard   
Is because   
I want to be the absolute best

And after all, my 95 percent equals to  
Zero  
If you received a 100.

Nonsense Braggart of Fully Conscious Deluded Aesthetics's Paradise 

 

My eyes glimmer  
Glow  
Secrets glossed across   
Their surfaces.  
Peach lines eyelids   
Last me weekends  
After I black out  
From the sour milk

Degenerate excuses   
And stanzas made of lies  
Russian screams and  
Crimson dreams  
For the apple that spoiled  
The bunch  
Tearstained dress shirts  
Tainted red hurts

 It feels so feeling   
I explain once again  
How my words   
Curl and curdle  
The cradle; their home  
Black burning bridges   
Light my path backwards  
How I wish 

My eyelids would fill   
To the brim with   
Stardust and salt   
Of the ocean and  
No longer see the things life  
Bestowed upon me  
The twisted I that   
Drowned long ago

Fixing eyes on a one  
Still steadfast statue  
Eyelash falls down  
Down to its death  
Chlorine fresh air  
Feeding me fantasies  
Why isn't the corrupted  
Image visible yet? 

Float far from terrors  
Reality, a bygone  
Cyclon, horrid dream  
A desperate depth   
Dead man in my hands  
The man whom I cannot  
Bring myself to forgive  
Nor can I find peace   
In his lifeless corpse.

Dolce, dulcedo, deux   
Dios y perdimos  
Doler, condolences and finally  
Still.  
Dreading a dreamer   
December drags nearer  
Dark vivid hate   
And deceptive destruction  
Dividend of diez   
Carnations and dying   
Drive in movie, film,   
Delusion, my new world  
Grasping at desire.  
Dainty detached dedos  
Son deliciosos.  
Bed ridden bacteria and a    
Girl that is dead. 

Моя Кровь и Моя Жизнь 

Я...

И ты.

У нас ничего нет.  
А ты пьёшь моя кровь   
И ТЫ ЕШЬ МОИ РУКИ 

А я?   
Меня?  
Не понимаю   
Что ты говоришь.

Я, я, я.   
И не ты.  
Всё хорошо. 

КРОВЬ НА СТОЛЕ  
И МОИ ПРОБЛЕМЫ  
Они.... здесь   
Сейчас тут.

я не люблю него   
Не люблю тебя.

ты ешь моё сердце.  
И он пьёт моя вода.  
Красная кровь.  
Моя кровь.  
Но уже не здесь.

Ты знаешь, я знаю, и он знает.  
Как я рисую смерть.


End file.
